things my adopted daughter has taught me

In the course of the almost 3 years our youngest, who was adopted from China at age 2 1/2, has been home, I have heard some iteration of the phrase “she’s so lucky” many, many times. While I believe that the heart of this message houses good intentions, it’s terribly incorrect. Adoption begins in trauma- a separation of parents and children…mother and daughter…that bond which I so cherish as a mother is broken- right from the start. So, no…she’s not lucky.

My response is usually something like “we are the lucky ones”- which is absolutely true. Shawn and I both have had many solemn moments where we find each other realizing how God’s used Lucy to bless us, teach us, and love us. So, in honor of Adoption Awareness Month, I wanted to make a list of a few of the ways Lucy has taught me….not the other way around. :)

1. There’s a great big world to explore, and we don’t need to fear it. From the moment we received her in China, Lucy has approached every new situation wide-eyed, ready to experience it. I had anticipated some travel anxiety, possible stress from new places- but not this kid. Out of all 3 of our children, she is always the most ready to go- ready for life, adventure, and new experiences. I do believe this is part of her God-given personality, and I can’t wait to see how that passion grows.

2. Compassion comes from paying attention. We were fortunate to get to spend time in China with another family who adopted a son from the same orphanage Lucy lived at. Those two have a bond and a shared history we’ll never fully understand, and I’m so thankful each of them exists for each other. It struck me how compassionate 2 year old Lucy could be with this sweet friend- she was always aware of his feelings and ready to offer a hug when he would cry. She’s the same today- always alert about everyone’s feelings. This has been a struggle point for me- compassion- and I know God gave me this very attentive child to teach me how to be gentle and caring when someone needs it.

3. There’s always room for another chance. I have been so, so critical of myself and my parenting with Lucy- and in turn been critical of her. More critical, even, than with our biological kids if you can believe it. I confess this because there have been so. many. times. that I’ve just plain had to start over. Ask forgiveness. Remember my own Heavenly Father and the forgiveness He’s forgiven me, and try again with Lucy. And guess what? She’s forgiven me every time. And she still likes me, even when I’ve given her plenty of reason not to.

4. I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father. I had head knowledge of my belonging in God’s family- and wonderful experiences to deepen my faith up until Lucy came home, but seeing her face here in our home…enjoying all the special things about her…understanding her past, present and future- ya’ll…there is nothing that drives it home like watching real-life adoption from this perspective. The ways in which I question God’s love for me are so silly when I compare it to the ways that we love Lucy- and God’s love for me is far greater!

   “He came to set free those who were under the authority of the law. He wanted us to be adopted as children with all the rights children have. 6Because you are his children, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts. He is the Holy Spirit. By his power we call God Abba. Abba means Father. So you aren’t a slave any longer. You are God’s child. Because you are his child, God gives you the rights of those who are his children.” Galatians 4:5-7

5. I’ll never be enough for her. Woo, this is a tough one. I referenced it earlier, but there have been a LOT of mistakes and asking for forgiveness on my part. If I had any sense of a “savior complex”, it’s been attacked and torn down, brick by brick (as it should be). Every time I fail, every time she is willing to trust me after I fail- I am reminded that we are both in the care of the most perfect Father- who loves us both more than we could ever love each other. That our needs can ultimately only be met in Jesus. That I am just stewarding my children on this Earth- destined to fail, but already guaranteed a glorious redemption. That’s great news.

Reading back through this list, I’m realizing that only one of these things really has anything to do with the way Lucy came into our family- adoption. And there’s beauty in that, ya’ll. It’s proof that God gave us this petite, smiley miracle on purpose. That He foresaw us struggling together and learning from each other- and decided it was good. Adoption is the way that Lucy came into our family- but day-to-day, she’s just our kid. I can’t imagine life without Lucy Fei. This list is just a speck of the things I’ve learned from her, and I can’t wait to keep doing this life with her. Thank you Father for Lucy Fei!

so...what do we do with our sadness?

I found myself asking my 9 year old son this a few days ago at bedtime. It was a genuine question I had for him- not necessarily because I had the “right” answers for him, but because I was actually interested in what he had to say about it.

Earlier that night my husband felt the knots grow in our stomachs as we watched a Facebook video in which a mourning father explained the recent death of his 12 year old son- who’d taken his own life in an outburst over the breaking of a video game monitor, which was also his only access to friends during quarantine. It broke our hearts, and hit too close to home as our boy, too, enjoys spending time with his friends playing online games- one of the only “safe” ways to socialize during this pandemic.

I’m not here to comment on screentime, gaming, or how to manage all of that. It’s something else I’m more concerned about- the thing I’ve been most worried about during the COVID-19 crisis- our mental and emotional health, and the toll that extreme isolation and loneliness can take on literally everyone impacted— it’s essentially its own virus.

I would not have even the brain cells to ponder these things had I not been in therapy (or counseling- call it what you will) for the past year or so. I’ve been in a constant state of practicing the recognition of my own feelings- yes, actually naming the feelings I feel is something I’ve had to work on like a hobby- because it just hasn’t come naturally. You could say this Enneagram 3 is a really good feelings stuffer.

I’ve become acquainted with sadness, and it’s just the worst. Sadness is a feeling we feel- and really, I can’t find any perks about it- other than that it ends eventually. I’ve learned that sometimes sadness turns into anger, and is displayed in various ways. Sometimes it manifests itself in addictions and indulgences…anything that will dull the pain— and no matter what, it requires a response. As in, “No, Lissa, it’s not going to go away if you just pretend it’s not there”.

Anyway, I’m realizing that this sadness- we all feel it. And I’m also realizing that others, like myself, may not know what to do with it. So, because I like to think I am in control, and I like to have a plan…I’ve been asking myself and my family “so what do we do with our sadness?”.

I’m writing this post because I want you to ask yourself the same thing. Because you are important. Because you are loved. And you don’t deserve to let sadness overtake you. We— as in PEOPLE— need each other. And often we need each other to cope. But if we don’t recognize the sadness, and we don’t call it out…what will become of us?

Here are some of my answers to this question. I hope yours are a bit different- because no two people are alike and the God I believe in is big enough to handle that. But alas, here are mine:

1. Recognize the sadness. Say it to myself and then out loud to another human- “I am feeling sad”. Don’t negate it. Don’t apologize for it.

2. Allow myself to sit with the sadness for a bit. Not as a victim- as a survivor who knows it is a temporary state.

3. Pray about it. Find a scripture that brings me hope and go back to that scripture. Pray the scripture and ask the Lord for help. There are so many great scriptures- like this one- “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

4. Tell some family members and close friends about it so they can pray for me. Ask them to check in. Even after I say I’m “fine”. It’s my job not to lie about my true feelings to them.

5. Continue with counseling. It’s a free space to say whatever I want without judgment, but also a great place to learn a thing or two.

I plan on asking this question every now and then to my kids. I want them to know what to do when sadness comes to visit. Because it will. I want them to know it’s ok to be sad, and where to go and what to do when they feel that way.

Please also hear me say this- I believe that sadness is different from depression- and that depression is a clinical condition that can be helped with many methods including therapy and medicine. Please, if you feel you need to, seek help- if even from a friend who can get you to the right place.

Again, I am no expert- just a mom who has seen our world become very isolated and lonely in the past few months. Sadness has swept over us like a fog- keeping us from seeing and knowing and laughing with each other. This is me embracing that sadness, which is probably most definitely my least favorite feeling- unless it’s coupled with fear, it’s super rude cousin. If you’ve made it this far- know I love you and I’m not the only one.