I found myself asking my 9 year old son this a few days ago at bedtime. It was a genuine question I had for him- not necessarily because I had the “right” answers for him, but because I was actually interested in what he had to say about it.
Earlier that night my husband felt the knots grow in our stomachs as we watched a Facebook video in which a mourning father explained the recent death of his 12 year old son- who’d taken his own life in an outburst over the breaking of a video game monitor, which was also his only access to friends during quarantine. It broke our hearts, and hit too close to home as our boy, too, enjoys spending time with his friends playing online games- one of the only “safe” ways to socialize during this pandemic.
I’m not here to comment on screentime, gaming, or how to manage all of that. It’s something else I’m more concerned about- the thing I’ve been most worried about during the COVID-19 crisis- our mental and emotional health, and the toll that extreme isolation and loneliness can take on literally everyone impacted— it’s essentially its own virus.
I would not have even the brain cells to ponder these things had I not been in therapy (or counseling- call it what you will) for the past year or so. I’ve been in a constant state of practicing the recognition of my own feelings- yes, actually naming the feelings I feel is something I’ve had to work on like a hobby- because it just hasn’t come naturally. You could say this Enneagram 3 is a really good feelings stuffer.
I’ve become acquainted with sadness, and it’s just the worst. Sadness is a feeling we feel- and really, I can’t find any perks about it- other than that it ends eventually. I’ve learned that sometimes sadness turns into anger, and is displayed in various ways. Sometimes it manifests itself in addictions and indulgences…anything that will dull the pain— and no matter what, it requires a response. As in, “No, Lissa, it’s not going to go away if you just pretend it’s not there”.
Anyway, I’m realizing that this sadness- we all feel it. And I’m also realizing that others, like myself, may not know what to do with it. So, because I like to think I am in control, and I like to have a plan…I’ve been asking myself and my family “so what do we do with our sadness?”.
I’m writing this post because I want you to ask yourself the same thing. Because you are important. Because you are loved. And you don’t deserve to let sadness overtake you. We— as in PEOPLE— need each other. And often we need each other to cope. But if we don’t recognize the sadness, and we don’t call it out…what will become of us?
Here are some of my answers to this question. I hope yours are a bit different- because no two people are alike and the God I believe in is big enough to handle that. But alas, here are mine:
Recognize the sadness. Say it to myself and then out loud to another human- “I am feeling sad”. Don’t negate it. Don’t apologize for it.
Allow myself to sit with the sadness for a bit. Not as a victim- as a survivor who knows it is a temporary state.
Pray about it. Find a scripture that brings me hope and go back to that scripture. Pray the scripture and ask the Lord for help. There are so many great scriptures- like this one- “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Tell some family members and close friends about it so they can pray for me. Ask them to check in. Even after I say I’m “fine”. It’s my job not to lie about my true feelings to them.
Continue with counseling. It’s a free space to say whatever I want without judgment, but also a great place to learn a thing or two.
I plan on asking this question every now and then to my kids. I want them to know what to do when sadness comes to visit. Because it will. I want them to know it’s ok to be sad, and where to go and what to do when they feel that way.
Please also hear me say this- I believe that sadness is different from depression- and that depression is a clinical condition that can be helped with many methods including therapy and medicine. Please, if you feel you need to, seek help- if even from a friend who can get you to the right place.
Again, I am no expert- just a mom who has seen our world become very isolated and lonely in the past few months. Sadness has swept over us like a fog- keeping us from seeing and knowing and laughing with each other. This is me embracing that sadness, which is probably most definitely my least favorite feeling- unless it’s coupled with fear, it’s super rude cousin. If you’ve made it this far- know I love you and I’m not the only one.