adoption/life update

Oh my- where has the time gone? In reality, lately it seems like we have had some very long days.

It is high time I post an update on our life and our adoption specifically. We have many people asking about our adoption, and each time is a great reminder that people really do care. We are not forgotten. 

The last time I posted about this was at the end of October- 3 months ago! We have now been officially waiting 6 months. 

Folks, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart. I am not complaining. I am not surprised at how difficult it is- I was warned. But I think somewhere deep down I was just hoping I'd be distracted enough, or strong enough, or have enough faith….many days there is a hopelessness that lingers- one that I'm getting better at recognizing, and with God's help telling it to GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. I'm realizing again and again that I'm not supposed to be strong enough- I need God to help me through this. And so I've been more eager for co-dependency on Christ. That makes all this waiting worth it. :)

Recently, there have been some scary rumors flying around Ethiopian adoption. Apparently there was a documentary shown in Ethiopia that pointed out many of the weak points of their adoption system, and also hyped-up the extreme cases of Ethiopian international adoptions gone bad. This was followed by a research paper that called for international adoption reform within the country. It is also a hot topic right now with some pending elections.

Talk of a possible shutdown (or imminent slow-down) was/is everywhere. Our agency has been great at keeping us updated, though there is not much news to report. As is common in a third-world country, things are happening at their own pace. The good news is that court and embassy appointments (these are the two times when families travel to Ethiopia to either gain parental rights or a visa to take their child home) have been issued as normal. 

Something that I've been hesitant to entertain this early is possible change of our plans. Shawn and I feel like we are right where God wants us for now. It has been difficult to see many other families within our agency leave the Ethiopia program for another. I know they each have their own journeys, reasons, and circumstances. It is tough to realize we are at the end of a very long list (currently #118 on the "unofficial" waiting list- this list is kept by a volunteer family that is also within the Ethiopia program and only includes the families who have chimed in, so it is likely that we are actually lower on the list if you include the other families that are also waiting who have not announced their status to the group). There has also been a major slow down in the amount of referrals (children being matched with families) in the past 6 months. Our agency is estimating that our wait could be extended from the original 18-24 months we first heard to 3.5 to 5 years. I don't doubt that this could be the case.

I do not want to make any decisions out of fear or selfishness. From where I stand right now, waiting a possible 5 years for a child seems incredibly long. But I know I'll say, "it was worth it" on the other side. I know it's no coincidence that God has placed other friends in our lives who are also in the adoption process and/or struggling with infertility. Sometimes it feels so selfish to say that 5 years is too long. 

But so many sources have reminded me of God's perfect timing, and the truth is- He has so much to show us in the journey. Some of these realizations/truths have been:

1) I now have a longing for my adopted child that may be there for a very long time. It hurts, but it also increases my ability to understand how God longs for His adopted children- us! When I think of it, it is overwhelming. I am so thankful for that hurt. 

2) Adoption is never a perfect process. It is a relationship born of brokenness. I cannot expect to fully understand my future child, but I can do my best to empathize and depend the orphan in other ways as we wait.

3) I am so thankful for my husband and my son. To have both of them to hug is such a gift. 

If you've been following my blog long enough, you also know that we experienced 2 miscarriages before we started the adoption process last January. Since then, we've experienced 2 more. Both of these were unplanned (but not unwanted) pregnancies, and early miscarriages. We were relieved when my OB referred me to a specialist. Within minutes of hearing our story, the specialist had a probable diagnosis and that diagnosis was confirmed with an ultrasound. He recommended surgery- a day surgery- that would be a permanent fix to the problem. It was great news to us. 

So, I'm going in for surgery in two days. Though it's just a one day in-and-out kind of deal, I'm still a little nervous. Not that anything will go wrong with my body. I'm nervous of my own expectations. Nervous for 3 months from now when I'm wondering if I might get pregnant- and then if I get pregnant, if I will stay that way for long. 

Now, if you're reading this and you're thinking, "She can't get pregnant, she has to shoot my wedding!", PLEASE know that this is literally the FIRST thought that I have when the "Oh my goodness, am I pregnant?" feeling comes. Crazy or not, it's part of the job. :) In all of this (technically 5 pregnancies) I have realized that God will make a baby when He wants to make a baby.

With Knox, it worked out that he was due during my slow time for wedding photography. Though we would like to think we can plan a pregnancy around my schedule (and will try to), we know that it is in God's hands and we have to trust that He will provide for us and for my clients if I do get pregnant. I had a great pregnancy with Knox and shot weddings up until the last month of pregnancy. So, I'm choosing to respond with hope to that worry. Babies and weddings are life's biggest celebrations!

So friends, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Ethiopia, our adoption process, our agency, my surgery, and ask God that our family will grow HIS way in HIS perfect timing. 

I have been asking God to show me His truth lately. With rumors and worries constantly at bay, I know that God's truth is what I need to be rooted in. I had a dream last week that I was driving in a car with two high school friends. We were leaving some sort of Christian women's conference and discussing the message we'd just heard. One of them said, "You know, the TRUTH is that your present circumstances are God's gift". There it was. I immediately woke up and repeated it. My mom reminded me of James 1:2-5:

"Don't run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line- mature, complete, wanting nothing. If you don't have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking."

UPDATE 1/28/14: We received word from our agency that the Ethiopian government does not plan to stop international adoption, but will focus on "eliminating bad practice" in Ethiopian adoptions (i.e. corruption). They encouraged agencies to continue work as normal. This is great news for us and the orphan!

2 & 3 Months DTE!

I did actually make a quilt square for 2 months DTE, and kind of hated the "2" that I put on it...plus we had a LOT going on so I never blogged.  

So here is the update for months 2 & 3! 

I am realizing that these posts will likely become more like personal monthly updates rather than just adoption-related posts. I'm ok with that- as I'm realizing that I need to spend more time "journaling" anyway. 

Month 2 of being DTE was...a little depressing. I think it really hit me that we will be waiting for a LONG TIME. There are some days where I am so full of hope that this wait time is not so overwhelming, but here recently they have been fewer and fewer. On top of that I am becoming more and more aware of the future challenges we'll face while we try to bond with our daughter and live as a family who doesn't "match". I've been shocked at myself- moments where I realize my own bits of racism and judgmental attitude. It's a little scary. I want to be able to prepare and know exactly what's to come, and though I can read and ask friends about it, being fully prepared is impossible. Moments of fear like this make me so thankful that I know several others who have gone before me, and have already been such great sources of encouragement. 

We've continued to hear tough news from our agency about new regulations being put in place, in an effort to increase the integrity of the Ethiopian adoption process. Longer wait times, more paperwork. There have been only a few referrals in the last month (the courts close for the rainy season in Ethiopia this time of year). It's made the wait feel even more endless. I do have complete trust in our agency and the work they are doing, however. It's just tough not to get selfish. We are a part of a private online group of families adopting from ET within our agency. Sometimes it is the only place where these waiting adoptive parents can voice their frustration (which really only adds to mine), but there has been so much wisdom come from this group as well. These are the truths that I am holding on to:

• God's timing is perfect. 

• He has my best (which is also His glory) in His plan. I need to trust that. 

• "...but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. " Psalm 34:10

• "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:27-28

Maybe it's just that my eyes have been more opened since we started this process, but I have been continually encouraged to see lots of friends and acquaintances begin the adoption process as well! It is making me wonder if there is a shift going on generationally- that maybe my generation will see adoption as an equally legitimate path to family building. I hope so and that is my prayer. 

In other news, we sold our house and are in the process of closing on a new one! Friends, I cannot even begin to tell you what a blessing this is. While buying/selling a house is not something I would like do every five years, I am glad that things have gone so smoothly. When we closed on our first home 5 years ago, I remember thinking, "there is NO way this couldn't have been orchestrated by God. So many things had to go right just to get us to this one place". And it's true. We've been saving for a down payment in addition to the adoption for quite a while now, and all of the sudden, we had saved our goal amount. The next thing we knew, our house was on the market, and it sold within 3 days! After searching and searching for a new home (more space was the biggest priority) we made offers on 3 different homes only to find out they were under contract by the time we'd submitted the offer. It was a rollercoaster of emotion. But finally, we found one we loved. One we could see ourselves never outgrowing or over-improving. 

Though I know that I am not made whole by any material thing, this house is such a big promise to me. I am still very much dealing with the history of multiple miscarriages/pregnancy loss, which hits me at weird times, in weird ways. 

I was driving down the road one day and the thought came to me that my future daughter will likely come to us with the pain of having lost people she loves but has never met (her biological mother/father). I know what that feels like. I know that this hurt is a gift to me. In God's way, he has connected my heart with hers on a level I would not have known had I not also lost children I love. 

In the midst of loss, I have hugged tighter to the gifts I've been given- Shawn, Knox, my extended family, caring friends, any little thing I can find as a reminder of God's promises for us, His children.  This new home has so much promise for us. The promise of security, of shelter, of family meals and playtime, and more family members. :)

DTE & Month 1 • Ethiopian Adoption

For months I have anticipated writing this post. 7 months to be exact. I really anticipated wanting to SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in excitement, but the feeling I have is more of a quiet peace.

Not that we aren't excited. I was able to finish up the last of our paperwork last month and we were given a DTE date of 7/12/13 by our agency. What is a DTE date, you ask? 

DTE stands for "Dossier To Ethiopia", and marks the date that our paperwork (a.k.a. our dossier) arrived in Ethiopia. It is a very important date, because this is what we will refer to as we wait. And, it means we are officially on the "waiting list".

Our agency has a private Yahoo group for all families adopting from Ethiopia, and there they keep an unofficial list going (so there are many people that aren't included, as they may not be active in the group). BUT, it does give us a good idea of where we're at. We are currently at #116 for an infant 0-12 months of age, and #76 for a toddler 12-24 months of age.

We will continue to move up as referrals are given, or if we decide to change our request and widen our age range or gender preference. The people at the top spots on the list have DTE dates of January/February 2011, so they have been waiting for around 2 1/2 years at this point.  

Our dossier included OUR WHOLE LIFE, it seemed. Original birth certificates, marriage license, passport photos, medical records, and the homestudy among other important documents.

I love it when people (waaaay more people than I ever thought) show interest in our process. Generally the first or second questions we will get is, "when will you have the baby?". I am getting better at delivering my response. It's hard to say, "our wait will most likely be 3-4 years" and try to put a positive spin on it. You can see the disappointment in people's faces- not with us, but with the reality of it. It's hard not to get a little more disappointed along with them, but I know it's good for me to get to communicate about it. I mean, I'm basically thinking of this adoption on and off all. day. long...so when someone shows interest it's hard not to drown them in unwanted info. :)

And MOST importantly, I am realizing how important it is to TALK about adoption. God is showing me in a very personal way that adoption is the Gospel. It is a very literal way of understanding what God has done for us. It makes it tangible and understandable. Orphans all need something. They need food, shelter, clothing, health care, and families. ALL BELIEVERS are called to help.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

— James 1:27

I read Adopted For Life a few months ago and it set a great spiritual foundation for me regarding adoption. I think that many people who do not feel called to adopt themselves avoid the subject entirely. But the truth is, if you are a believer, it's an issue you're called to make a decision on. No, adoption isn't the answer for every family (and even if every Christian family did adopt, it wouldn't be the solution), but there is always a way to help. Remembering the the many ways we've been blessed by the people who have given/donated to our adoption makes me tear up. It's incredible. It's my reminder that we serve a really big, omnipotent God and we have to use those funds wisely to obey Him in this calling. It's made us as a family want to "give" adoption to others in the future.  

I also love to hear that people are praying for us. Please, pray for us! Pray for the others who are adopting. Pray for the nannies and workers in Ethiopia who are serving orphans. Pray for the adoption agency workers. There is a HUGE prayer need. Please, please pray. 

I do feel like I'm at the starting line of a marathon, and maybe that's why I'm not jumping up and down like crazy. We definitely celebrated our DTE date, as mentioned in this post, but I know that there will be another anniversary coming up- and maybe two, and three. Along with those anniversaries will come paperwork renewals (and the cost associated with them).

BUT- there is no shortage of reasons to PRAISE. 

1- We have had more than enough funding to write every check as we've needed to up to this point. That's around $15,000.00 that was given/raised IN 6 MONTHS. Crazy. And, we won't owe another thing until we get a referral, which as I mentioned earlier could be 3-4 years away. That gives us plenty of time to come up with the rest! 

2- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I have felt a little "broken" for a while now, and in that broken state I have loved the closeness of my Savior. I've come to crave it. I realize that doing ANYTHING by my own strength alone is meaningless.

3- Knox is just the best. In times when I'm needing to hug a little one, he's there. I am so, so, thankful for him. 

4- God is doing something so much bigger than us. I've felt led to pray that there would be an adoption epidemic in my community. Haha- sounds crazy, but that's what I've been praying. It may seem backward, but I'm praying it for the benefit of the adoptive families, not necessarily the orphan...they need adoption. They need to see what it feels like, to understand it from the inside. I'm convinced that it will grow more faithful believers, and create families that God is blessed by.

5- I have a new perspective. The "want" and "need" mentality of my culture is a stark contrast to the culture of my future child. I already know that this journey is cultivating an attitude of thankfulness in me.

There are so many more, but this post has become quite long... 

I'm going to do my best to post updates each month, along with a new quilt square! Yes, that's what you see above. It's a quilt square. I wanted to do something that would help me count the months, and also create something special for our child. So, this was my solution. Each month I will knit a new square and it will have a corresponding month number. At the end, it will be a keepsake for both of us! So, here's to one month DTE. :)

home study done! • ethiopian adoption

**NOTE** I wrote this blog post a couple of weeks ago, but am just now getting to post it because it's taken that long for me to get some photos to go with it! There's a little update since then at the end. :)​

I am excited to say our home study is finally DONE! It took waaaay longer to get here than I'd originally thought, but...it's done. ​

When I originally read that the paperwork process should take 4-6 months, of course I thought, "Pssshhh....but that's not our timeline!"​ Haha- little did I know- it would most definitely take at least 4 months. Getting the paperwork ready that was necessary for our home study proved to be a bit more difficult than we expected- and thankfully with the help of several helpful people and our social worker, we were able to get it all ready. (Just FYI- when we applied with America World, we were given a family coordinator, who is our connection point to the agency during the entire process, and a social worker, who coordinates the home study and follow-up visits- so there are two people we have been constantly in contact with during the paperchase.) 

Our social worker was (and is) amazing. Because AWAA is a larger agency, they have social workers in every state they work in- and ours lives in Dallas. ​Initially we inquired about having someone local do our home study, so as to save the travel fees (we were quoted 500.00- Lubbock is about 5 hours away from Dallas). Our social worker assured us that she would do her best to keep travel costs down- in fact, her sister lives in Lubbock and she would stay with her to save us the hotel costs. She also ended up allowing us to pick her up for interviews so as to save money for a rental car. In total, we were invoiced 169.00 for her flight. It was an incredible blessing- and after visiting with her, just the tip of the blessing iceberg!

​I had stressed over the cleanliness of my home, taken on several "extra" house projects in the midst, and had to compress my normal work week into a few intense work days. Let's also just say that my family didn't get gourmet meals last week. :) I refinished and painted our old dining room table, and during those late-night hours of working on it (and realizing how in-over-my-head I was with this very detailed project), I imagined Shawn and I talking peacefully with our social worker over coffee around it.

​Well, there was peaceful talk and coffee, but we never sat at that table. :) In fact, it was much more a shoes-off-feet-on-the-couch kind of thing. Throughout our discussions, our social worker was accepting of our weaknesses and doubts, and so encouraging about every little thing. She was a wealth of knowledge, and Shawn and I both left with the feeling we'd been affirmed and aided with new, helpful information. 

​One of the first questions she asked us was, "Why international adoption?". This was something I partially answered in a blog post a while back- but she gave us some info that will change our answer the next time we are asked. Our simple answer initially was that we'd always felt we would adopt internationally, because we'd seen orphanages with our own eyes. 

She validated our answer and then gave us some information that really encouraged us. She told us that for every 1 infant that is available for adoption domestically, there are 40 waiting couples. ​Because we have 1 biological son and have the possibility to have more biological children, we are not as likely to be chosen by a birthmother over a couple who is infertile and has no children. It made sense to me- and I can totally see why a birthmother would choose a couple with no children over the couple with 1 and the possibility for more. 

She also shed some light on the Ethiopian orphan crisis. Currently, there are over 5 million orphans in Ethiopia. According to the U.S. Inter-Country Adoption site, there were only 1732 adoptions in 2011. This is such a tiny dent in a huge need. Most if not all of the orphans in Ethiopia are at the orphanage because someone recognized that their lives were in danger for lack of food, shelter, clothing, or other BASIC needs. 

We have a home. We can provide food and clothing. ​Why would we NOT go half a world away to get the best gift ever?

When all was said and done, we were so appreciative of our social worker and her wise advice and encouragement in all the different aspects of inter-country, trans-racial adoption. She reminded us why, despite the difficulties, it all makes sense: we ourselves have been adopted by Christ. Completely and lovingly accepted, regardless of our unwillingness to love back, our struggle-stained past, and finicky nature. He chose us and continues to choose us every day, even though we might feel half a world away.

"Even before he made the world,

God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." Ephesians 1:4

​And to end this post, I thought I'd share a few of those "house projects" with you! As we wait, I am learning to REALLY appreciate all the little things that I already have and that make me smile as I pass by them day to day. So I made a point to go around yesterday and photograph some of those things. 

Lola made a cameo in this image. I finally hung some new art- including an old letter A a family friend scavenged for us, this Texas artwork by Molly Mattin, some old photographs from my college photography class, and of course, some of our babe.

This table was a labor of love! It took waaay longer than I thought it would but I love it so much! Now to work on those chairs...

Ever since I first saw this "decorative object" chain-thing at Target, I wanted it. Lucky me, they put it on clearance! Whatever it is, I love it. 

This crazy table was a Craigslist find and I spray painted it. It was so unusual I just had to have it (and at $30 it was worth it)!

Shawn hung a door I'd painted in college on the wall behind our dining room table. My Mom bought me these fiestaware canisters and I have loved seeing the color on my countertops! This bicycle print hung in my Dad's room growing up, then in our laundry room at my parent's house. I'm so glad they let me take it!

This mid-century desk was another Craigslist find, as was the chair. I have 3 more, I just haven't found a place for them yet. Washi tape. And a friend found this mason jar and sent it to me- it's hard to see, but it says "Knox" on it!

My Mom found this awesome paint-by-number at a garage sale for me. The framed quote came from Promise Tangeman.

Our guest bedroom, soon to be baby girl's room! I found a bunch of quilt squares at a thrift store and pieced together this quilt. Haha- it's definitely not perfect, but we like it! And I fished out the floral prints from the Goodwill pound store- where you literally pay for things by the pound. So, for 5 pieces of paper I paid about 30 cents. :)

Mason jar + buttons. These are some of the books we've been reading. The Connected Child is super amazing, and I recommend it for all parents, not just adoptive or foster ones! God Found Us You was given to us by a sweet friend, and is hopefully the first of many adoption-related kids books that will go into our library.

​**UPDATE  Yesterday was a bit discouraging. We found out that the list of requests for a toddler or infant girl (which is what we're requesting) for our agency is 104 families long- longer than it's ever been! While this is wonderful, it's hard knowing that there are children waiting...and families waiting...with a lot of paperwork and protocol in between. 

​Will you pray with us for referrals? Referrals are when a family is matched with a child. The families at the top of the list right now have been waiting since February of 2011. That is a long wait. Please pray with us! God can make this list much shorter!

the 10,000.00 mountain

I have been meaning to give an update on our adoption process, but have been quite busy with wedding inquiries (which is a huge blessing- many people getting engaged this time of year!). All I can say about it is WOW.

WOW #1: I am now, officially, a crier. I have cried more than I have in my whole life. When I hear a story, a song (most recently this one- isn't our God good?!?), or see a t-shirt order come in. I have been constantly reminded that God is doing this.

We have been extremely blessed and completely overwhelmed (in the best way) at the amount of support we have received by friends, family, and even strangers. To be honest, though- it has been an inner battle for me to accept all of these gifts without pride. The other day my Dad texted me this scripture:

                  "...don't hesitate to accept hospitality, because those who work deserve to be fed." Matt. 10:10

I had shared with him how I struggled to accept all of these very generous gifts without my pride taking control and screaming, "No thanks, we've got this covered!". I wanted people to know that we are willing to work our tails off to make this happen- but even still- the truth is- we don't have this covered. We need help. And it's humbling to watch help happen. 

WOW #2: People. Most recently, help has happened through people- from all sorts of backgrounds, influences, and means. In those moments where I am discouraged by the long wait I know we will have to endure, I get to hear some incredible stories and God reminds me that He is making our wait WORTH IT.

One day, a total stranger came into the store because she'd heard we were selling bracelets to raise money for our adoption. She told us that she and her husband had decided to start the adoption process, but never completed it because of different circumstances. Then, one day, she received a call from a friend who said she knew a woman who'd just given birth and did not want the baby. Did they want the baby? Oh yes. And the next day they were adopting. 

Another day I received a message from a friend we'd met many years ago at college. She has been a great encouragement to Shawn and I in the past few years as we have pioneered our own businesses, being a successful business owner herself. She asked if we were doing any fundraising, and about 20 minutes after responding to her, we received a $1,500.00 donation. Needless to say, we had another crying-shocked-thank-you-Lord moment.

When we ordered our first batch of Love Africa tshirts, the bill was $450.00. The same day we received a donation for- you guessed it- $450.00.

My friend Alex called me one day to say he wanted to work his tail off for us- and offer up 5 photo sessions at a special rate. All 5 were booked THAT DAY- and it will add another $1000.00 to our fund.

We have received other generous gifts from people we've never even met, just wanting to help out- or people who have adopted themselves. We have already had to make a second order of tshirts, and we are also getting some toddler sizes this time!

WOW #3: The wait and the mountain. As I said before, I almost hesitate to answer the question "so when will you get the baby?". I still hate vocalizing that the current wait is 24-30 months AFTER we submit all our paperwork (which takes 6 months in and of itself). Will we grow tired and weary? Will people forget about us?

But in His way, God is showing me that every second of wait is one that He planned, and I need. Already, he has set a fire in our hearts to give as we have been generously given to. We have met so many people. Our faith has been strengthened.

Right now, we are staring down a $10,000.00 mountain. That is around the amount we will need to do a home study, and finish the dossier (paperwork). As of today we have about $4,000.00 of it. In total, we have raised a little over $7,000.00- some of which has gone to help us make our initial agency payment, and get required physicals other documents. We fully understand the feeling of blessing as we have been able to just write a check for those things. Because we are committed to doing life debt-free, we plan to wait until we have the funds for the next step before we proceed. 

So that is where we are at right now. If you are one of those very kind people who have prayed for us, bought a bracelet or tshirt, or donated your time or money- THANK YOU. You have been a true reminder that God is faithful. 

And because no blog post is complete without a photo, here are a few pictures of the things that we have been selling!

You can buy them at Culture Clothing (1717 Broadway, Lubbock, TX) or online at:

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And, you can keep up with the adoption at our ADOPTION PAGE. We now have a link to where you can make a tax-deductible donation directly through our agency.

UPDATE:

Whoa, literally minutes after posting this, I come across this blog from Give 1 Save 1 Africa: God's Will For Your Wait. So exactly what I needed to hear! 

why ethiopia?

This is one of the questions we've had most lately. Our answer is pretty simple- timing. 

While it may sound un-romantic, we know it really isn't! Shawn and I have known for a long time that we would adopt- and honestly we both thought it would be from China. We have both been to China (Shawn twice, me four times) and experienced the orphanages there- held those children, played with them and hoped for them. I'm sure that our visits there were where God first stirred both our hearts for the orphan.

An image from my 2009 China trip.

Since then China's regulations have changed on international adoption- and not only do you have to be 30 to even apply (just one of the many requirements), but the process can take 6+ years currently. Once we applied with AWAA and were accepted, we were interested in two programs- China and Ethiopia. Knowing the timelines for a "healthy baby" from China were quite long, we were willing to look into the Waiting Child program. However, Shawn just turned 30 last week and it would be another 6 months before I would be 29 1/2, and therefore able to apply. The intake director at the agency asked if we'd be interested in Ethiopia- we were a perfect fit for the program.

Meanwhile, Ethiopia (and Africa in general) was become a frequent subject in our lives- and we didn't even realize it. My cousin and his wife adopted a precious little girl from Uganda last year. One of our first employees at the store is Eritrean (Ethiopia's neighboring country). My parents were meeting Ethiopian exchange students in my hometown. Some of our friends adopted their sweet baby girl from Ethiopia. (I photographed them HERE.) The day after we applied I texted Shawn this image from Starbucks:

Haha, so that may just be a LITERAL sign on the wall. :)

When it came down to decision-time, one thing mattered. The timing. We didn't expect to have a year like we did last year. I thought I'd be having another baby this month or next. We just had to trust that God had us exactly where we needed to be (ready for another child, but without one)- and that IT WAS TIME. That meant that I wasn't 29 1/2 yet, so China was out of the picture. And that Ethiopia was wide open. 

I have doubted the decision- worrying that we made it too simply- that we didn't have the faith or the patience to wait for China. But just days in I can't deny that God has shown us in so many ways that this is right.

The biggest way, by far, is the support of our friends and family. We have been absolutely amazed and overwhelmed by the number of people willing to buy a bracelet, share our story on Facebook, or send us a donation. You all have been the perfect picture of God's faithfulness to us, and we are so thankful.

 I joke that I've cried more in the past week than I did the past year- but they are all tears of joy.

As always, I am constantly updating our Adoption Page with new things that are going on. I can't wait to see the amazing things God does in us and through us while we wait!

our adoption video

To announce our pregnancy with Knox, Shawn and I made a stop motion video and shared it with our families, and then with everyone on my blog. We figured that since we now have a "paper pregnancy", we needed a video for this baby, too. Enjoy!

Also, say a quick prayer for Knox today- we decided it is time for the paci to go!

hurt, healing, and hope

It's such a bittersweet feeling- knowing that I am finally writing this blog post- acknowledging the fact that seeing it written out in black and white will scare me a bit and cement this story even further into my past and my future. 

If you've been reading my blog for a while you may have noticed the lack of "personal" posts in the past year or so. Some of that has been due to the fact that I became a Mom (and realized how valuable my time is with my baby), and some of that is because there has been a lot going on that is not so easy to share. One of my goals for this next year is to get back to doing some more personal posts- mostly because this is MY blog. Yes, of course, it is very much about my clients and friends who honor me with the opportunity to document their stories- but my story also needs to be documented here for it to be a true picture of life.

This story begins about a year ago- my baby had just turned 1 year old and I remember being at his birthday party and realizing, "He really isn't a baby anymore- wow...". And if course the next thought that came to me was, "Holy cow- we'd better get on this baby-making business if we are going to fulfill my perfect plan of babies 2 years apart!". Haha- looking back I should have known then that my plans are so, so imperfect next to God's plans. He's proven it to me time and time again, and each time I've been thankful that He's in charge of my life, and that I am not.

Just a few months later in June, I found out I was pregnant! Shawn and I were excited, but I never let myself get too excited. I think I just knew...and about a week later, it was confirmed- I was having a miscarriage. We were devastated, but I was in the middle of wedding season and so I didn't have much time to mope. I do think that this was a good thing- I needed to be busy, and God revealed to me through other circumstances just how blessed we were. You can believe I was squeezing Knox just a little tighter. :)

During the fall we were able to relax a bit more and my work shifted from engaged and married couples to families. Shawn and I even got to go visit our friends in Germany for a couple of weeks! That time was so precious and completely refreshing. (More on that trip later). To top off the autumn, we found out that we were pregnant again in November! After already experiencing miscarriage, I knew that I didn't want to keep the pregnancy a secret for long- we NEEDED that team of friends and family there to pray for us as we hoped for a successful pregnancy and trusted God with it. We told our families at Thanksgiving, and not long after, experienced another, this time more heart-wrenching, miscarriage.

I wish I could say that I had complete closure about it. I DID have (and continue to have) a great group of family, friends, and my husband (who was mourning in his own right). I am so thankful that I know they are constantly praying for us. Really, though- as simple as it sounds, I just knew it wasn't God's timing. I had to trust that and keep walking.

In the weeks since, Shawn and I have gotten to celebrate another birthday with Knox (he is now a 2 year old rambunctious, beautiful mess), and started making some new goals for our family. We decided we'd focus on a new house. We've wanted to move houses for a few years now, and...why not? So we set a goal amount for a down payment and began to save.

One night last week I was frustrated. Not about anything important, really- I was just. irritated. And nothing could explain it. Cranky. Unpleasant. (I'm sure Shawn could throw some adjectives in there.) He asked me what was wrong. I said I wanted to buy some new bedding for the guest bedroom, and clearly couldn't because of this giant downpayment goal we had. His response was, "Buy the bedding. Use some of the $300.00 we were going to pur toward savings this month. It's not that big of a deal". (I'm sure he knew that would silence the huffing and puffing.) Ok! Instantly I was better.

Later that evening we began talking about adoption. This is not an unusual conversation for us to be having, really. We've known we would adopt since before we started dating. We decided we had no idea how it all worked, and that maybe we should begin to find out for future reference. So I messaged some friends and family I that I knew had adopted for some advice.

That night we found ourselves pouring over agency websites and watching one testimony video after another. Seeing those faces and knowing the longing that those parents felt just melted us. Suddenly the guest bedroom bedding was at the very bottom of the list. It didn't even compare to the faces we saw on the screen. We asked ourselves, "Well, what's next?" To get started, we had to apply. And the fee was exactly $300.00. It was clear to us what that money was for! 

Since then we have been accepted to the Ethiopia program through our adoption agency, America World. We are so, so excited to begin this journey. We know it may take almost 2 years. Are we planning on having more biological children? Yes. Was this the order we thought it would be in? No. But we are trusting that it is the PERFECT timing. My heart is full knowing that God hears my desire to have a full house of kiddos. Our story is not over.

So here we go- our adventure continues!

“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows...God sets the lonely in families...”

— Psalm 68:5-6