it's about time! advent + an adoption update

This owl is our china baby's first ornament on our tree. I pick one out for the kids each year. no- we don't have a name for her yet, so we just call her "our china baby" for now! :)

Today is a day I should be doing so many other things. There are kids' Christmas parties, emails, last-minute Christmas gifts (thank God for those sweet teachers who wipe my kids' noses every day and love them so so well!)...

I've been needing to write an adoption update- and if I'm being honest- I've just been putting it off. I've made myself too busy with other things. But for some reason, in the middle of this chaotic day, I've decided to sit down and write. Why? Because as a counselor once told me, "Lissa, you have to start giving yourself time to FEEL your feelings". Ugh. It would be so much more convenient right now to just keep doing all the things and not really think about all those silly emotions. (sarcasm- can you tell I am a DOER by nature?)

However, I am excited to share where we are at in our adoption process right now. We have been logged in to China for 4 months now. Liv will turn 1 in just a couple of months, and that is a special date, not just because it will be her 2nd birthday (which is a miracle in and of itself), or that we will be welcoming a new niece into the world (my little sister, Layne, is pregnant!), but for another reason. When we sent in our paperwork to China, part of our request was that there be at least a 12 month age gap between Liv and our adopted daughter. It is very rare to see a referral of a child under 12 months in China. Because of the systems and processes there, most of the youngest children are around 18 months- 2 years when they are referred for adoption. So, because of our request, the older Liv gets, the more likely it will be that we get a referral. 

Can I just pause for a minute and tell you how psycho I feel right now?!? Right now a 12 month gap between my two youngest girls seems like crazytown. Like an all-out circus with bits of popcorn kernels shoved all in the cracks. To be honest, this has been one of the biggest areas of attack for me. I know that Satan knows my love for control, and I am aware that I constantly fall into the delusion that I am in control at all. So in those moments of weakness- when I already feel totally unprepared to even parent the two kids that are at home- I panic. How will I ever parent 3 kids? I can't even get them to school on time, much less doctor's appointments! (I know you moms of 3+ are just chuckling to yourselves right now- go ahead, you deserve it!)

But then there is also all that ugly pride that hangs out in the background, like it should get free rent just because it's been there so long, taking up space in my heart. The illusion that all this blessing was all ME. That EVERYONE expects us to be this or that- that I CAN DO and MUST DO it all. Gross. Just makes me want to spit it out.

When you couple the I-can't-do-it panic with the but-I-have-to-be-the-best pride, you get a mom, wife, and child of God with a serious identity crisis. 

And that has been me for the past few months. Mostly holding it together on the outside, while I wonder if we are just straight up insane on the inside. (Bless my sweet friends and family who are consistently patient with me!)

After we got our paperwork to China, I started working on a few grant applications. We have been amazed and in shock at how generous people have been so far. Friends, relatives, and even people we don't know have contributed to our fund. It has been one of the humbling ways God has not only proven Himself and His provision to me, but I know He is working on that old tenant, Pride, as well. 

We totaled up the upcoming costs we have left- and I kid you not- it was still over $13,000.00. This is what it will take to get us to China and back. Some of the fees are simply incredible, and you would be amazed at what little portion of that our agency actually gets. Much of it is travel and other fees that we will be paying to the orphanage, government, etc.

Most recently, we got work that we were awarded a matching grant from Lifesong for Orphans. They are going to MATCH up to $3500.00! As soon as we got word, I immediately started brainstorming ideas for fun ways we could raise the $3500.00. We tossed around a few ideas, but after speaking with Lifesong, we found out that we were not to offer any services or products in return for the donations. To be honest, that was hard for me to deal with. As a DOER, I couldn't imagine asking people AGAIN to just straight up contribute to our adoption fund. It would be so much easier to just make something or give my services in exchange. Easier on my pride, that is. The longer I let it settle in, the longer I realized this was a pride issue! So, again, I got to have that I-trust-you conversation with God. And of course, He has been providing just like He said he would! 

If you would like to contribute to the matching grant, just click on the "Donate" button! It is tax-deductible!

Additionally, we have decided to put all the income from my How To Work It workshop toward our adoption until enough funds are raised! This has been a dream project of mine for a while and it has been so cool to start working with the very first attendees this month! Check out more on the workshop HERE.

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The truth is, He is good. He is faithful. He's made a way. I'm not supposed to be good enough, organized enough, strong enough. He knows our daughter in China. (It's very likely that she is alive and waiting for us NOW!) He knows our future struggles. BUT, I know what He's taken us through to get to this point, and have no choice (logistically or emotionally) but to trust Him with this.

So- for a short synopsis or what is to come:

Within the next few months (anywhere from March-October, we are estimating) we will get a call with a referral from our agency. 

They will give us a file to review, and we will have an allotted amount of time to pray over the file, consult doctors and medical professionals, etc. 

If we say YES, the paperwork will start back up! Hopefully, we will travel 10-12 weeks later. 

It is crazy to think that this time next year our daughter could be home with us- and we could be a family of 5!

There is a large part of me that is ready to not be waiting. I can't wait to know that peace when my heart is not longing for something literally around the world and wondering in expectation if I should be more prepared, what that day will look like when we meet her, what the transition will look like, etc. 

But isn't that what this season of Advent teaches us? Shouldn't I ponder all of these things in my heart, just as Mary did? I'm thankful that I don't have to know all the answers. Thankful for my Savior who has allowed us to be here, on this adoption journey. Thankful for Knox and Liv and the way they bless and refine us daily. 

Thankful for all of you who have taken the time to listen to my crazy and pray for us, give to our fund and truly impact our family's legacy forever. Merry Christmas! 

Do you guys have any questions about our adoption? I would love to answer them and am a pretty open book! Post them in the comments!

adoption/life update

Oh my- where has the time gone? In reality, lately it seems like we have had some very long days.

It is high time I post an update on our life and our adoption specifically. We have many people asking about our adoption, and each time is a great reminder that people really do care. We are not forgotten. 

The last time I posted about this was at the end of October- 3 months ago! We have now been officially waiting 6 months. 

Folks, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart. I am not complaining. I am not surprised at how difficult it is- I was warned. But I think somewhere deep down I was just hoping I'd be distracted enough, or strong enough, or have enough faith….many days there is a hopelessness that lingers- one that I'm getting better at recognizing, and with God's help telling it to GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. I'm realizing again and again that I'm not supposed to be strong enough- I need God to help me through this. And so I've been more eager for co-dependency on Christ. That makes all this waiting worth it. :)

Recently, there have been some scary rumors flying around Ethiopian adoption. Apparently there was a documentary shown in Ethiopia that pointed out many of the weak points of their adoption system, and also hyped-up the extreme cases of Ethiopian international adoptions gone bad. This was followed by a research paper that called for international adoption reform within the country. It is also a hot topic right now with some pending elections.

Talk of a possible shutdown (or imminent slow-down) was/is everywhere. Our agency has been great at keeping us updated, though there is not much news to report. As is common in a third-world country, things are happening at their own pace. The good news is that court and embassy appointments (these are the two times when families travel to Ethiopia to either gain parental rights or a visa to take their child home) have been issued as normal. 

Something that I've been hesitant to entertain this early is possible change of our plans. Shawn and I feel like we are right where God wants us for now. It has been difficult to see many other families within our agency leave the Ethiopia program for another. I know they each have their own journeys, reasons, and circumstances. It is tough to realize we are at the end of a very long list (currently #118 on the "unofficial" waiting list- this list is kept by a volunteer family that is also within the Ethiopia program and only includes the families who have chimed in, so it is likely that we are actually lower on the list if you include the other families that are also waiting who have not announced their status to the group). There has also been a major slow down in the amount of referrals (children being matched with families) in the past 6 months. Our agency is estimating that our wait could be extended from the original 18-24 months we first heard to 3.5 to 5 years. I don't doubt that this could be the case.

I do not want to make any decisions out of fear or selfishness. From where I stand right now, waiting a possible 5 years for a child seems incredibly long. But I know I'll say, "it was worth it" on the other side. I know it's no coincidence that God has placed other friends in our lives who are also in the adoption process and/or struggling with infertility. Sometimes it feels so selfish to say that 5 years is too long. 

But so many sources have reminded me of God's perfect timing, and the truth is- He has so much to show us in the journey. Some of these realizations/truths have been:

1) I now have a longing for my adopted child that may be there for a very long time. It hurts, but it also increases my ability to understand how God longs for His adopted children- us! When I think of it, it is overwhelming. I am so thankful for that hurt. 

2) Adoption is never a perfect process. It is a relationship born of brokenness. I cannot expect to fully understand my future child, but I can do my best to empathize and depend the orphan in other ways as we wait.

3) I am so thankful for my husband and my son. To have both of them to hug is such a gift. 

If you've been following my blog long enough, you also know that we experienced 2 miscarriages before we started the adoption process last January. Since then, we've experienced 2 more. Both of these were unplanned (but not unwanted) pregnancies, and early miscarriages. We were relieved when my OB referred me to a specialist. Within minutes of hearing our story, the specialist had a probable diagnosis and that diagnosis was confirmed with an ultrasound. He recommended surgery- a day surgery- that would be a permanent fix to the problem. It was great news to us. 

So, I'm going in for surgery in two days. Though it's just a one day in-and-out kind of deal, I'm still a little nervous. Not that anything will go wrong with my body. I'm nervous of my own expectations. Nervous for 3 months from now when I'm wondering if I might get pregnant- and then if I get pregnant, if I will stay that way for long. 

Now, if you're reading this and you're thinking, "She can't get pregnant, she has to shoot my wedding!", PLEASE know that this is literally the FIRST thought that I have when the "Oh my goodness, am I pregnant?" feeling comes. Crazy or not, it's part of the job. :) In all of this (technically 5 pregnancies) I have realized that God will make a baby when He wants to make a baby.

With Knox, it worked out that he was due during my slow time for wedding photography. Though we would like to think we can plan a pregnancy around my schedule (and will try to), we know that it is in God's hands and we have to trust that He will provide for us and for my clients if I do get pregnant. I had a great pregnancy with Knox and shot weddings up until the last month of pregnancy. So, I'm choosing to respond with hope to that worry. Babies and weddings are life's biggest celebrations!

So friends, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Ethiopia, our adoption process, our agency, my surgery, and ask God that our family will grow HIS way in HIS perfect timing. 

I have been asking God to show me His truth lately. With rumors and worries constantly at bay, I know that God's truth is what I need to be rooted in. I had a dream last week that I was driving in a car with two high school friends. We were leaving some sort of Christian women's conference and discussing the message we'd just heard. One of them said, "You know, the TRUTH is that your present circumstances are God's gift". There it was. I immediately woke up and repeated it. My mom reminded me of James 1:2-5:

"Don't run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line- mature, complete, wanting nothing. If you don't have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking."

UPDATE 1/28/14: We received word from our agency that the Ethiopian government does not plan to stop international adoption, but will focus on "eliminating bad practice" in Ethiopian adoptions (i.e. corruption). They encouraged agencies to continue work as normal. This is great news for us and the orphan!

2 & 3 Months DTE!

I did actually make a quilt square for 2 months DTE, and kind of hated the "2" that I put on it...plus we had a LOT going on so I never blogged.  

So here is the update for months 2 & 3! 

I am realizing that these posts will likely become more like personal monthly updates rather than just adoption-related posts. I'm ok with that- as I'm realizing that I need to spend more time "journaling" anyway. 

Month 2 of being DTE was...a little depressing. I think it really hit me that we will be waiting for a LONG TIME. There are some days where I am so full of hope that this wait time is not so overwhelming, but here recently they have been fewer and fewer. On top of that I am becoming more and more aware of the future challenges we'll face while we try to bond with our daughter and live as a family who doesn't "match". I've been shocked at myself- moments where I realize my own bits of racism and judgmental attitude. It's a little scary. I want to be able to prepare and know exactly what's to come, and though I can read and ask friends about it, being fully prepared is impossible. Moments of fear like this make me so thankful that I know several others who have gone before me, and have already been such great sources of encouragement. 

We've continued to hear tough news from our agency about new regulations being put in place, in an effort to increase the integrity of the Ethiopian adoption process. Longer wait times, more paperwork. There have been only a few referrals in the last month (the courts close for the rainy season in Ethiopia this time of year). It's made the wait feel even more endless. I do have complete trust in our agency and the work they are doing, however. It's just tough not to get selfish. We are a part of a private online group of families adopting from ET within our agency. Sometimes it is the only place where these waiting adoptive parents can voice their frustration (which really only adds to mine), but there has been so much wisdom come from this group as well. These are the truths that I am holding on to:

• God's timing is perfect. 

• He has my best (which is also His glory) in His plan. I need to trust that. 

• "...but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. " Psalm 34:10

• "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:27-28

Maybe it's just that my eyes have been more opened since we started this process, but I have been continually encouraged to see lots of friends and acquaintances begin the adoption process as well! It is making me wonder if there is a shift going on generationally- that maybe my generation will see adoption as an equally legitimate path to family building. I hope so and that is my prayer. 

In other news, we sold our house and are in the process of closing on a new one! Friends, I cannot even begin to tell you what a blessing this is. While buying/selling a house is not something I would like do every five years, I am glad that things have gone so smoothly. When we closed on our first home 5 years ago, I remember thinking, "there is NO way this couldn't have been orchestrated by God. So many things had to go right just to get us to this one place". And it's true. We've been saving for a down payment in addition to the adoption for quite a while now, and all of the sudden, we had saved our goal amount. The next thing we knew, our house was on the market, and it sold within 3 days! After searching and searching for a new home (more space was the biggest priority) we made offers on 3 different homes only to find out they were under contract by the time we'd submitted the offer. It was a rollercoaster of emotion. But finally, we found one we loved. One we could see ourselves never outgrowing or over-improving. 

Though I know that I am not made whole by any material thing, this house is such a big promise to me. I am still very much dealing with the history of multiple miscarriages/pregnancy loss, which hits me at weird times, in weird ways. 

I was driving down the road one day and the thought came to me that my future daughter will likely come to us with the pain of having lost people she loves but has never met (her biological mother/father). I know what that feels like. I know that this hurt is a gift to me. In God's way, he has connected my heart with hers on a level I would not have known had I not also lost children I love. 

In the midst of loss, I have hugged tighter to the gifts I've been given- Shawn, Knox, my extended family, caring friends, any little thing I can find as a reminder of God's promises for us, His children.  This new home has so much promise for us. The promise of security, of shelter, of family meals and playtime, and more family members. :)

DTE & Month 1 • Ethiopian Adoption

For months I have anticipated writing this post. 7 months to be exact. I really anticipated wanting to SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in excitement, but the feeling I have is more of a quiet peace.

Not that we aren't excited. I was able to finish up the last of our paperwork last month and we were given a DTE date of 7/12/13 by our agency. What is a DTE date, you ask? 

DTE stands for "Dossier To Ethiopia", and marks the date that our paperwork (a.k.a. our dossier) arrived in Ethiopia. It is a very important date, because this is what we will refer to as we wait. And, it means we are officially on the "waiting list".

Our agency has a private Yahoo group for all families adopting from Ethiopia, and there they keep an unofficial list going (so there are many people that aren't included, as they may not be active in the group). BUT, it does give us a good idea of where we're at. We are currently at #116 for an infant 0-12 months of age, and #76 for a toddler 12-24 months of age.

We will continue to move up as referrals are given, or if we decide to change our request and widen our age range or gender preference. The people at the top spots on the list have DTE dates of January/February 2011, so they have been waiting for around 2 1/2 years at this point.  

Our dossier included OUR WHOLE LIFE, it seemed. Original birth certificates, marriage license, passport photos, medical records, and the homestudy among other important documents.

I love it when people (waaaay more people than I ever thought) show interest in our process. Generally the first or second questions we will get is, "when will you have the baby?". I am getting better at delivering my response. It's hard to say, "our wait will most likely be 3-4 years" and try to put a positive spin on it. You can see the disappointment in people's faces- not with us, but with the reality of it. It's hard not to get a little more disappointed along with them, but I know it's good for me to get to communicate about it. I mean, I'm basically thinking of this adoption on and off all. day. long...so when someone shows interest it's hard not to drown them in unwanted info. :)

And MOST importantly, I am realizing how important it is to TALK about adoption. God is showing me in a very personal way that adoption is the Gospel. It is a very literal way of understanding what God has done for us. It makes it tangible and understandable. Orphans all need something. They need food, shelter, clothing, health care, and families. ALL BELIEVERS are called to help.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

— James 1:27

I read Adopted For Life a few months ago and it set a great spiritual foundation for me regarding adoption. I think that many people who do not feel called to adopt themselves avoid the subject entirely. But the truth is, if you are a believer, it's an issue you're called to make a decision on. No, adoption isn't the answer for every family (and even if every Christian family did adopt, it wouldn't be the solution), but there is always a way to help. Remembering the the many ways we've been blessed by the people who have given/donated to our adoption makes me tear up. It's incredible. It's my reminder that we serve a really big, omnipotent God and we have to use those funds wisely to obey Him in this calling. It's made us as a family want to "give" adoption to others in the future.  

I also love to hear that people are praying for us. Please, pray for us! Pray for the others who are adopting. Pray for the nannies and workers in Ethiopia who are serving orphans. Pray for the adoption agency workers. There is a HUGE prayer need. Please, please pray. 

I do feel like I'm at the starting line of a marathon, and maybe that's why I'm not jumping up and down like crazy. We definitely celebrated our DTE date, as mentioned in this post, but I know that there will be another anniversary coming up- and maybe two, and three. Along with those anniversaries will come paperwork renewals (and the cost associated with them).

BUT- there is no shortage of reasons to PRAISE. 

1- We have had more than enough funding to write every check as we've needed to up to this point. That's around $15,000.00 that was given/raised IN 6 MONTHS. Crazy. And, we won't owe another thing until we get a referral, which as I mentioned earlier could be 3-4 years away. That gives us plenty of time to come up with the rest! 

2- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I have felt a little "broken" for a while now, and in that broken state I have loved the closeness of my Savior. I've come to crave it. I realize that doing ANYTHING by my own strength alone is meaningless.

3- Knox is just the best. In times when I'm needing to hug a little one, he's there. I am so, so, thankful for him. 

4- God is doing something so much bigger than us. I've felt led to pray that there would be an adoption epidemic in my community. Haha- sounds crazy, but that's what I've been praying. It may seem backward, but I'm praying it for the benefit of the adoptive families, not necessarily the orphan...they need adoption. They need to see what it feels like, to understand it from the inside. I'm convinced that it will grow more faithful believers, and create families that God is blessed by.

5- I have a new perspective. The "want" and "need" mentality of my culture is a stark contrast to the culture of my future child. I already know that this journey is cultivating an attitude of thankfulness in me.

There are so many more, but this post has become quite long... 

I'm going to do my best to post updates each month, along with a new quilt square! Yes, that's what you see above. It's a quilt square. I wanted to do something that would help me count the months, and also create something special for our child. So, this was my solution. Each month I will knit a new square and it will have a corresponding month number. At the end, it will be a keepsake for both of us! So, here's to one month DTE. :)